PUSH ! Pyush ! Push !!!!

God Gave you Friends, as a way of apology for giving you relatives.

There is this day in the calendar year that is called Friendship day.,

Hmm., there seem to be so many days,
Mothers day, Womans Day (cant both be combined? seems logical),
Valentines Day (to fall in love)
Hollowveen day (almost every day once you find out the true nature of your girlfriend/boyfriend)
Obesity Day, Sandwitch day.,
Fathers Day.., (the proverbial bankrolls)

Why dont we have – long suffering boyfriend / husband / Inlaw day. (Which in my view should be changed to Out Laws).

Anyhoo ., Friendship Day ., when friends Get together and celebrate their friendship.
(all other days they spend pointless in coffee joints)(who the ^$%& needs one more separate day?)

This was a concept alien to me, as i never had very strong and firm friendships – being content to sit in my castle like drakula binging on Tea.

The year 2009 however will go down in the annals of history when a bunch of new found friends came home to take me for a friendship day drive.
(New Found – key word – they found me ., )

It was a sight to behold., i step out of the house with my Left foot – and the whole cosmos was quavering with anticipation,
the 33 crore gods jostled to get the best view, the wind blew, the birds sang., in fact even a coconut fell down from the tree, inches away from my head (seems like an OMEN).

There they were ., the three new found friends (read keyword) ., Akash, Pyush and Poornima, and they yelled and waved and said “come on – lets go for a drive”

With minor trembles and knots in my stomach – i got into the car, with chills down my spine.

Sitting in the car i realized that i was actually in a group of young people – i felt like Gramps !!!

A few yards into the drive – they wanted to put on music, and i settled in to listen to a musical symphony., nay ., a rhapsody.,

Well……., Rhapsody turned out to be some Shoddy (c)RAP..,

but i was not complaining.,

I was like this kid who had stumbled into a group of Cricket Legends., wide mouthed and even wider eyed …,
(they exist!!!, they exist!!! friends really do exist!!!!)

A snap argument - oops., “friendly discussion” took place as to where to take Gramps ., oops ., me .., for a drive.,

They just pointed the car where it went., and allowed faith to take over., much like americans without health insurance.,

Soon i found myself in a most idyllic road., surrounded on both sides with coconut trees, with the full moon playing hide and seek.,
the cool breeze., soft music (they had changed the CD).., and company of friends who did not judge you, accept you and share a space of trust with you.,

ahh……., so perfect., so perfect.,

till………,

GOd decided to throw a spanner in the works ., literally.,

The car came to a grinding halt ., and suddenly i found myself in a desolate farm stretch ., in the dark night ., with people i hardly knew
(interesting how fear can strip out all the poetry and peace)

I was white faced with fear (even for a Gujju., I was errie white).,

I turned around to see Poonima had clambered half the way out of the window ., clinging to the roof and looking at the moon.,

Poorni – “The Moon is sooo beaudyfulll…..,” (my heart sank deeper to my ankles)
Me – “What is she doing?????”(Eyes as big as dinner plates)
Puysh – “Hmmmm…., i wonder if we can get some thing to eat around here”
Aksh – “Oh ., that is normal for Poori….,” (was he referring to my friend or to a snack??)

There she was ., Poornima ., full moon ., looking at the full moon ., hanging out of the window .,
much like a Bat with a distorted sense of direction (hanging right side up)

And i felt like the Prisoner of War in an ancient Inca temple., heart beating wildly .,

From no where ., this form glided up to my window (which was unfortunately open – why, why, why ., did i want to get the bloody breeze?)

“Hello ANNA ……,” said the grating voice (i almost screamed like a schoolgirl)

There in front of my was my ex-staff, Office Boy Kadiravan – I Used called him Kadi-Raavan …, he had the personalily of GodZilla after slimming sessions.

He could not believe that i had actually ventured out of my home and got into a car .., with other people !!!!! It was too much for him to take.,

He mumbled something, turned tail and ran into the bushes..,

Somehow the car would refuse to start – and a sense of panic gripped me., and i sang like a canary.,
“We are going to push the car ., push the car ., push the car …, “

Poorni ., had enough of the moon ., had slid back into the back seat and looked at me with grimance., (it was her car after all)

After a lot of tries., the car spluttered to a start .., and i spluttered back to life ..,

Reached Home ., Thank you Jesus !!!!

Said my “Bye …, we should do this again some time” (when George Bush converts to a Buddhist monk)

And it happened Again …., the car stopped ……, yowza !

Ok ., nothing to do but to push the car .,

Poorni was out of the car .., again looking at the Moon ..,

Akash was at the drivers seat and and puysh and I had to push the car .,

There is no justice in the world., Akash was a tad Portly ., and Pyush and I were as thin and shapely as Priyanka Chopras legs!

And it did not occur to any of us college trained people – that we were pushing the car uphill…,

Pyush – “Akash ., bloody! what are you enjoying the ride??? floor the accelerator!!!”
Akash – “Push some more., i still need some momentum”
Me – “What bloody Push and Momentum …., this is not a constipated person waiting in the loo for momentun, pressure and pushing!!!!!!)
Poornima – “Weeee …, he he .., the Moon looks so Beaudyful .., and if you chimps dent my car ., i will wring your swrawny little necks !!!!)

So much for friendship day.,

Needless to say., the car did not start ., The friends had to walk home .., and it is an utter mystery how the bloody car started as soon as the mechanic touched it the next day!!!

Anyhoo .., I publicly thank my thee Amigos ., to boldly go where no sane man has gone before., you took Drakula out of his castle and showed him some kindness and friend ship that he had not felt in a long time.

Lets see what the next Friendship Day brings.,

with regards,
Bhavesh.K.Joshi

Regional Flavours of English - Part I (Punjab)

You have heard Bonglish, this is Punjlish.



PUNJABI ABC

This one's not just for Punjabis but for all those who have faced 'Punjlish'.
 
 A is for Aiscreame
 B is for Backside, and it has nothing to do with your butt. It is an instruction to go to the rear of a building, or block, or shop or whatever.
 C is for Cloney and its not a process for replicating sheep, nor is its first name George. It is merely an area where people live e.g. 'Defence Cloney'.
 D is for the proverbial 'Dangar(danger) da Puttar'
 E is for Expanditure, the spending of money
 F is for Fackade, and even though it sounds like a bad word it is actually just the front of a building (with backside being the back, of course).
 G is for Gaddi, and the way a Punjabi can pilot his gaddi puts any F1 driver to shame.
(If the Grand Prix does come to Delhi there's no way Hamilton, Alonso or Kimi can overtake Balvinder, Jasvinder or Sukhvinder's taxi.)
 H is for 'Ho Jayega Ji', and the moment you hear that you have to be careful because you can be reasonably sure it's not going to happen..
 I is for Intzaar, and to know more about it see P.
 J is for Jutt, which every Punjabi seems to be.
 K is for Khanna, Khurana, etc, the Punjabi equivalent of the Joneses (e.g.'Keeping up with the Khuranas ji')
 L is for Loin, the king of the jungle
 M is for 'Mrooti', the car that an entire generation of
Punjabis were in love with.
 N is for 'No Problem Ji.' To find out how that works see H.
 O is for Oye, which can be surprise (Oyye!), a greeting (Oyy!), anger (OYY!) or pain (Oy oy oy...).
 P is for Punj Mint, and no matter how near (1 km) or far (100 km) a Punjabi is from you he always says he'll reach you in punj mint (5 minutes...).
 Q is for Queue, a word completely untranslateable into Punjabi.
 R is for Riks, and a Punjabi is always prepared to take one (risk), even if the odds are against him.
 S is for Sweetie, Sunny, Simmi and Sonu, who seem to own half the cars in Delhi. (The other half by their Pappas like 'Sweetie de Pappa di Gaddi')
 S is also for 'scoorti' as encountered at airports, VIP installations. ..]
 T is for the official bird of Punjab : Tandoori Chickun.
 U is for when you lose your sex appeal and become 'Uncul-ji'
 V is for VIP phone numbers @ Rs 15 lakh and counting.
 W is for Whan, as in 'Whan are you coming, ji?'
 X is for the many X-rated words that flow freely in Punjabi conversations.
 Y is for 'You nansanse', when anger replaces vocabulary in a shouting match.
 Z is for Zindgi which every Punjabi knows how to live to the fullest.

The Buddha Teaches the Buddhu

They say that fear brings out old memories, and memories bring out old fears. (Hmm., sounds like a 15 Marriage Anniversary Quote) 

Yesterday i unwittingly accepted a lift home from a group of young boys who had just traded 
their diapers for seat belts, little did i know that their driving antics would drive me to the diapers.

That made me reminiscent of the time i learnt to drive the car - ah! those were the good old days, when you needn't have robbed the bank for a liter of petrol. I still remember the first day the car driving instructor turned up for the fist lesson. He looked like a black buck deer with the personality of a docile farm rabbit.

Initially i was under the impression that he would give me a theory lecture on how a car works, the different signs, driving etiquette (sadly now extinct, today you need to master profane words before you sit behind the wheel.).

Boy! - I was in for a surprise, we came out of my spacius house and sat in a "cutting edge" Maruti 800. A green/blue beat up jalopy with many exposed metal edges cutting into the skin. 

He made me sit in the drivers seat, asked me to start the car and said "Drive!!!", completely refusing to acknowledge my terror filled face. With trembling hands, akin to those of an aging gynecologist - i took to the wheel and was bewildered at the array of Paddles on the floor.
Nonchalant to my dilemma - my guru instructor said - "Off the clutch" (was he off is rocker, the only thing clutching was fear on my intestines!

It must have been a lucky day, because with my foot i took a stab in the dark and landed on the clutch and did something funny with a stick on my side, and the car suddenly jerked and shuddered, like a dolphin having an orgasm, and away we went barreling down the road.

My instructor was this strong silent type - speaking in sutras like the buddha - "point the car on the left side of the road, and that is it, you have learnt to drive." He was a very medtitative person too, most of the time closing his eyes and contemplating on God - or was it in complete resignation to my driving skills (i still dont know).

Five minutes into the drive - i could not believe how butter smooth i was driving, only to notice that on this modified vehicle the instructor had another set of paddles on his side.
So there we were paddling furiously - it brought to mind the Ooty lake, which is a famous destination spot for newly married couples. They come all the way to ooty - traversing 14 hair pin bends, a lot of puking later they arrive jelly legged only to hire a paddle boat (which is a little thicker than a disposable plate) and start their married journey. The experience is a lot like marriage - two people paddling furiously, kicking up a lot of froth, but going no where but in circles. How do you know they are newly married, easy! the wife will look like a bangle shop and the husband would be looking over his shoulder every 15 seconds, because he still cant believe that someone actually married him.

Anyways - lets leave the newly married couple in the drink ., oops., lake and head back to my torture., oops., driving lesson.

A few kilometers of driving later, we stop at a village temple, because my instructor believed that one must pray to God before "serious driving". He must have secretly decided that after i got the license - my passengers would become God Conscious Suddenly.

So we arrive at the Village God temple - to find that the God was over 9 feet high, with a ferocious face and fangs, with a raised Sword and a Cup (for a pound of flesh?). Couldn't my instructor have taken me to a more docile God - rather than a Blood and Guts type?

Needless to say i had other students with me, and i finally got my license. 

That was in the year 1998 (i think) - i have never driven a car after that. My guru advised me (when i proudly showed him my license) - "Please don't drive, you will send a lot of people to heaven, and your co-passengers would either become Very God Conscious out of fear or slip into a coma (which ever hits first). There are many better ways to bring people closer to God"

Hmmm.., perhaps i should re-learn to drive the car! Miss the looks of horror in the rear view and side mirrors.

Perhaps one day i will tell about my co-students (Ms. Arthritis) and how i actually managed to get my licence, which is mainly used as ID at Airports.